Alive!

Dear Friends,

My sincerest apologies for the lack of activity on this blog in the last two months.  Busy-ness turned into not knowing how to sum up the passage of time turned into guilt and procrastination.... and now there is a big, gaping hole in the written account of my Mexico journey.  I am now 6 months in, halfway through.  Better start writing again before this whole thing passes me by!   Since I last wrote, I have:

1). Gone from blonde to brunette.  The difference is incredible.  Other people take me more seriously; I take myself more seriously.  I get half the amount of catcalls on the street that I did before.  And I feel less conspicuous as a foreigner. Although it sounds exaggerated, I truly feel so much different as a brunette in the way that I interact and that people perceive me.  Despite what my astrological sign says about me (Leos are notorious for wanting to be at the center of attention), I did not feel comfortable with the attention that being blonde in Mexico brought my way.  My presence seems subdued now, I'm ever so slightly more able to blend into a crowd (despite my 6 foot stature).  It feels good.  And I was ready for the change.

2). Witnessed the world's largest ice skating rink.  Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to skate because we arrived when all of the tickets had been handed out on the last day that the rink was open.  I tried everything, and I mean everything, to get out on that ice.  My thought was, "If Ferris Bueller were here, he would find a way," but alas, with no paper bracelet and corresponding date/time with permission to participate, we were out of luck.

3). Seen one volunteer go, three more come, and two old guests return.

4). Found out that "Erika" is a more legitimate alter-ego than I had realized.  When I was flying back to Mexico City, I happened to sit next to a girl by the name of Erica.  She saw me re-reading my Christmas card from Nico and Jill with "Erika" outlined in big, bold letters and asked me if that was my name too.  I had to do the usual awkward explanation of my Mexican dual-identity, and she was like, "Of course!  Heather and Erica are the same flower!"  Cha-ching!  I felt so validated and relieved that I was beside myself.  No longer would I have to provide the lame story that I couldn't think of any Mexican name that even sounded like Heather, so Erika was as good a name as any.  Now, I could truly own it.  Now, the flower tattooed on my inner right ankle could stand for Heather and Erika, whatever those names separately might encompass of my personality.

5). Fallen in love.  Every day I fall more in love with baby Agnita, the 17 month old who toddles into the softest, most tender parts of everyone's hearts.  She brings out the best in us, she forces us to slow down and smile and bask in the glow of her unguarded baby-love.  I have been lucky to be able to take care of her two days a week now instead of one.  We've had some good times together- walking to the park, buying bags of fresh-squeezed juice and taking turns sipping it out of the straw, building block towers and knocking them down, counting the coins in my change purse (her favorite game).  She is learning so much, so quickly.  The other day she was seated on the couch next to my friend Giovanni, who was flipping through that day's paper.  She looked over, saw a picture of our new president, pointed and with clarity and confidence said, "O-ba-ma."

6). And had my heart broken.  One of my very favorite guests at the Casa has been suspected of stealing from her apartment-mate.  This guest was one of the guests that we receive from "Without Borders," an organization in Mexico City that sends their clients to us, who are migrants and refugees, to stay for a few weeks or months at a time.  We call this work "Hospedaje Solidario" or "Hospitality in Solidarity," and it is one of the things that makes me most proud to be a Casa volunteer.  Having a migrant from Central America or a refugee from Senegal sitting at the breakfast table with international travelers and volunteers provides the space for non-conventional friendships to take shape and for usual relational barriers to be eliminated. 

Anyway, this is all in theory.  In practice, as I am already learning at the age of 23, life is not a fairy-tale.  The socio-economic differences between a woman coming to the Casa as a victim of domestic abuse in Nicaragua and a woman coming from Spain as a volunteer (the description of this woman's apartment-mate), cannot be glossed over so easily as I might like.  This Nicaraguan woman was the heart and soul of the Casa while she was here in the fall, and we all cheered her on when she and the Spanish woman decided to get an apartment together.  The Casa had been the place where she'd been able to get back on her feet and make the connections to start a new life in Mexico.  When money started going missing at their apartment, I never in a million years would have suspected this person of stealing.  However, her apartment-mate did suspect her, and she came to me crying, with the utmost conviction and sincerity telling me that she would never have stolen from her friend.  When I talked to the Spanish roommate, too many things didn't line up, and it seemed as if my friend had probably swiped the money (with every intention of eventually giving it back).  Anyway, not to get lost in the details... the whole incident made me question my ability to read people and reconsider my ideas about honesty and decency.  Being honest for my Nicaraguan friend, who didn't always know where her next meal was coming from, and being honest for me, a person who has been financially and emotionally supported my whole life, are quite possibly different things.  I don't love her any less, but, fair or not, the truth is that I cannot view her in the same light as I did before.  And this is what breaks my heart.

7). Been encouraged by the first honest to goodness prayer group that I have ever been a part of.  Despite all of the opportunities I had at Messiah to participate in a small group or bible study, it was never something that I wanted to do.  I found myself hiding from all of the invitations toward spiritual growth that were extended my way.  With much hidden guilt, I avoided all clubs and gatherings that would have required me to be spiritually vulnerable and honest, places that would have forced me to realize that I wasn't seeking God despite my presence on an overtly Christian campus.  Now, a spiritual community and people to be accountable to are some of the deepest desires of my heart.  I suppose it took my being removed from that sort of environment to realize that spirituality was in fact important to me, integral to my worldview and who I am as a person.  It was not something that I was longing for out of guilt or obligation, after all.  Anyway, my prayer group is so beautiful.  It includes myself and two other women at very different life stages.  There is Jill, a 29 year old first-time mom, and Christel, a long-time Quaker and single woman about my mother's age.  We check in with each other and pray, and each week, it reminds me of what is important.  It drains me of my self-involved worries and complaints and brings me back to a place of gratitude and wonder.  

8). Been on my first trip in 6 months outside of Mexico City to the mountains and beaches of Veracruz.  This weekend getaway with some of my first Latin girl friends (harder friends to make than you might think), was good for the soul.  It reminded me so much of the traveling that I used to do during my semester in Ecuador and also reminded me of some of the things that I adore about Mexico that are somewhat obscured in the big city (relaxed sense of time, truly enjoying that time with others, small town enchantments).  Sometimes you don't realize how much you need to get away until you do it.

9). Discovered a new favorite Mexican culinary treat: esquites, or corn soup mixed with chili powder, mayonnaise, and cheese.  It might not sound quite so appetizing, but it is a surprisingly satisfying combination.

10). Been on the most awkward date of my life.  I don't know if it could necessarily be termed a "date," but it was good material for a Seinfeld episode.  Essentially, it was an hour-long counseling session with stranger who had OCD, an enormous guilt complex, and was going through a quarter-life crisis.  Add some peanut M&Ms to the mix, and you have yourself a good story.

11). Been to the infamous "Lucha Libre," Mexican pro-wrestling that is every bit as ridiculous and over-the-top as I understand our American version to be.  Once I had been there five minutes, I felt as if I had seen the whole show.  Some of the spandex and stunts were indeed amusing, but I'm not one who's much for ironic entertainment.

12). Been out to lunch with a friend who found a cockroach in her food.  This was a scarring moment for sure, but we recovered by making up a song dedicated to la cucaracha's journey onto her plate.  

13). Spent Valentine's Day making focaccia rolls for a romantic benefit dinner that we had in order to raise money to buy new folding chairs.  Playing restaurant is a game that I've loved since I was a child.

14). Went back to the Migrant House of Ecatepec (a place that I first visited in the fall with the Honduran women who were in search of their disappeared relatives) in order to talk to them about setting up a relationship with the Casa.  In a few short days, we should officially have our Collection Center up in the guest lounge, so that guests and visitors can donate food and clothes that we will transport to the Migrant House for migrants passing through Mexico City on a dangerous journey to the US.  This has been a long time coming, folks!  And it could be the start of something big at the Casa.  Who knows what this program might look like 5 years down the road...

15). Meditated on the wise reflections of Henri Nouwen in "Gracias" (a thousand thanks to Hannah for recommending this book to me). "A treasure lies hidden in the soul of Latin America, a spiritual treasure to be recognized as a gift for those who live in the illusion of power and self-control.  It is the treasure of gratitude that can help us to break through the walls of our individual and collective self-righteousness and can prevent us from destroying ourselves and our planet in the futile attempt to hold onto what we consider our own.  If I have any vocation in Latin America, it is the vocation to receive from the people the gifts they have to offer us and bring these gifts back up north for our own conversion and healing."